The Children's Place and
Parent Education Center
27 Burns Ave
Concord, NH 03301
Phone: (603)224-9920
Fax: (603)226-0507


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Mon, Tue, Fri:9am-12pm
Wed & Thu: 9am-4pm


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The Children's Place Services: Parenting Resources

Article 4: "Your Child and Sharing" How many of us have said to our children, "Johnny, you need to share your toys" or "Susan, share with your sister". The following article speaks to how we teach children to share. Take a moment to read this article and then my reflections on how we teach children to share at The Children’s Place. SHARING - A Part of Learning to Own© Sharing is similar to other milestones in your child's development. Just like the other skills children learn, sharing is a learned quality not a forced project. Allowing children to understand the different ways of owning items builds healthy understandings of possession issues. Forced sharing is not supporting the adults' goal of helping children learn to socialize. Sharing could be defined as the willingness to involve another person in a cooperative action, usually with a particular object being the focus. "You need to share" actually works against many of the reasons an adult would say this to a child. This type of statement is really forcing the relinquishment of property. Children learn through their play. Their play is important and meaningful. When a child sits down to notice something as simple as how a ball rolls away from her, she is learning about how her world works. Sometimes an adult comes along and says, "Jenny you have had that ball for a long time. You need to share it with your brother." This underestimates the value of the experience the child was having with the ball. Her "lesson" is not only interrupted but changed because another child was without a ball. "Tell Jenny you would like it when she is done," shows Jenny and her brother respect for their interests and learning. Jenny could be given the words, "You can have it when I am done." These empowering phrases help both children while demonstrating mutual respect for the child's research (which is commonly called play). So where do children learn to share? Children start to learn about sharing in two different places at the same time. First, children learn through our actions. As parents and careproviders, we often misjudge the value of our modeling. When we model sharing with our neighbors, friends, and children, we teach children in powerful ways. Another way to help children understand sharing is by labeling it when modeling. "I am choosing to share with you." The word choosing is important to include because true sharing is always a choice of the person who has possession of the item. By modeling and citing this action with words we help children understand how fantastic sharing can be. The second way to help children share is to genuinely praise the action when seeing a child choosing to share. I like to think of this as the sky opening and marvelous words of support falling down. "You just shared! I'm so proud of you! You must feel pleased with yourself. That was terrific." The child may think to herself, "Wow! That felt good. Let's see how I did this and if I can do it again." A child needs to understand that she owns something before she can understand that it is her choice to include another person in its use. Allowing young children to own or be in charge of toys is important. This is the only way they can experience sharing really works. This, above all else, will promote cooperative ownership of toys. Sharing is learned when adults model sharing, when children receive encouragement for attempts at sharing, and when children understand that they own and control toys in their possession. True sharing is always a choice of the owner. Reprinted with permission: http://www.empoweringprograms.com/articles.htm#sharing Kay’s Way: My reflections about sharing Before children can learn how to share, they must learn about ownership. In other words, your child needs to have objects, things that she owns, that are her’s, and her’s alone. By owning something, your child is able to decide if someone else can play with it or use it. By empowering your child to make this choice, you are teaching her respect ~ respect for one’s own possessions, as well as respect for other people’s possessions. At TCP, children may bring a "transitional object" from home - a toy train, doll, stuffed animal, car, or blanket " to provide comfort to them while they are away from home. We recognize that these objects belong only to the child, and are not to be shared with other children. The following is an example of how we handle sharing of these objects: Kyle’s mom encouraged him to bring his favorite toy train to TCP to help him adjust to being away from home. While playing with the train, another child came over and tried to take the train from Kyle. Kyle held on to it tightly, which caused the other child to get angry. Rather than take the train away from Kyle, or force him to share it, the teacher says, "Kyle brought this train from home, it is his very own train. It is a very nice train, but he brought it from his home. Let’s find a train for you to play with from the basket." This statement acknowledges that it is okay for Kyle to control who can use his toy (much like how I decide who can touch my purse), and respects his ownership of this toy. Sometimes children will fight over using a "public" toy - one that does not belong to either of them. When children want the same toy at TCP, we encourage turn taking. Rather than force a child to share, we may say something like, "Jill, when you are done with the doll, can Lucy have a turn?" It is important that children have an opportunity to finish with the toy in their way, and for the other child to know that she can use the toy once the other child is done with it. When children share or take turns, acknowledge this as a good behavior (e.g., "nice job sharing your favorite doll with Lucy!" or "what a great idea, taking turns with the train!"). Teaching children about sharing, turn taking and personal ownership are all tied to teaching children social skills. They learn about respect, ownership, setting limits and boundaries (e.g., "you can use my toy for a little while"; or, "I do not want to share this doll right now"), and communication " skills that help them make friends, respect others, and interact with their world as they grow older. Submitted by, Kay Sidway and Nancy Boyer